You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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