I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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