if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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