I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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