I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
