Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
