Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize