Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
