i wish starbucks made bloody marys
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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