I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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