dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
