i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
