How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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