she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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