I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
