I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
