My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
