Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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