I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize