So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I just found puke in my bra..
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
