can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
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