So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
