proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize