My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
