I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
