you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
