my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
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