handjob tips. give me some.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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