I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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