her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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