There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
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