just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
