You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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