I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
