I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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