he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
