The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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