Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I have surprise drugs for everyone
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
