Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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