If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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