Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
