i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Randomize
