Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
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