I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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