i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
