Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
