I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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