You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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