his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
