I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
