Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
