i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
