If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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