My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize