Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
