He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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