Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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