i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
