i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
